Vulnerable

It�s kinda weird now. Living far from home should�ve make me used to it. But no, in fact I�m not really get used to it. it�s true that leaving home never gets easier. Thinking that I will only able to go home in the next five months just got me sick.

Everything seems so different. When I was on board during high school, I was in the same level with my surroundings. Level of life, level of norm, level of understandings. But now? Oh yes you can clearly see how different you with others. You will soon notice in which level you are. And somehow noticing it make me feel uncomfortable. I don�t know, I slowly become very vulnerable. Easily get affected by those who can easily get what I define as happiness.

I feel like I�m not strong enough to leave my comfort zone. However, if I just living on it, I�ll never grow up. I�ll never be the better Ilma. It�s just � there are so many things spark on my head now. Lately I suddenly feel so sad while seeing picture one of the idol. I reflect myself, he -that idol- has reached so much things in his life, while me? What I�ve done so far? What I�ve reached? Am I worth living consuming oxygen again and again while I just � achieve nothing? I feel broke somehow.

Now I start to think about future. I am afraid. You may say if I seems like don�t believe in God�s hand. But I don�t want to lie to myself. I am REALLY afraid.

I want to pause the time. I want to rewind. But we all know it�s impossible right? Life must go on, they said.

I feel stupid. I have taken some responsibilities. I have decided to leave home early. But then, I am too who cries, being sad for what I choose by myself. I am sad that I must meet other people. Having bad social ability is suck. Hey extrovert can you tell me how can you be so happy meeting new people? You know, when I am in the bad stage, I even don�t want to meet my bestfriend.

Why feelings are so complicated? Why missing people can be so hurt? I am tired. Someone take it please I�m just in pain. :(

This writing may sounds hopeless. But I just want you to know that I am okay. Just need some little time to contemplate everything.